Having a cute waiter like I’ll have the chicken with a side of that dick

(Source: unlawfully)

281,245 notes 


can we talk about this

160,319 notes 

How To Talk To Babies About Semiotics

  • BABY: read dog book again
  • ME: okay fine
  • show me where the yellow doggie is on this page
  • BABY: [points]
  • ME: good
  • now show me where the brown doggie is on this page
  • BABY: [points]
  • ME: now show me where the author is
  • BABY: [stares blankly]
  • ME: that’s right
  • the author is dead

56 notes 


well well well. if it isn’t my old friend, the dawning realization that i fucked up real bad

64,897 notes 


you ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend like 1 month in the hospital 

85,167 notes 


im always just kind of sad and kind of hungry

12 notes 


he keeps getting stuck in the couch

98,676 notes